Idaho Lady

2008-12-16T20:04:00.001-08:00

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18... Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

FW: The Buttocks

2008-11-15T09:13:00.001-08:00

Subject: The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,

this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man' s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!

Fw: Dog Story

2008-08-06T19:41:00.001-07:00

This is an old one but a good one.

Dog Story

Yesterday I was at WalMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds. Before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
WalMart won't let me shop there anymore.

Fw: Please send back. This is neat.

2008-08-05T11:41:00.001-07:00

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who look s like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set .
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.   How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but whil

Fwd: FW: I am with Maxine!

2008-07-28T16:36:00.001-07:00

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
*Maxine's Way*
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!
_____
*Martha's Way*
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
*Maxine's Way*
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix. Keep's in the pantry for up to a
year.
_____
*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix
instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
*Maxine's Way*
Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
_____
*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
*Maxine's Way*
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
_____
*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Maxine's Way*
Celery? Never heard of it!
_____
*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*Maxine's Way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
_____
*Martha's Way*
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
*Maxine's Way*
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! 'All' your pains go away.
_____
*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Maxine's Way*
Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
_____
*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
*Maxine's Way*
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO !!!!!!!
_____
As usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends
within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew
and your butt will fall off. Really.... it's true! Have I ever lied to
you?

Fw: Chocolate Sings

2008-07-07T18:26:00.001-07:00

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.

"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.

But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.

I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.

The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae.

I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait.

I smiled. She asked if she amused me.

I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.

But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.

I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes.

I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.

I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.

I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.

I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,

then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,

because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.

I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS including me if I'm lucky enough to be counted among them.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks,                  CHOCOLATE SINGS!

AIDS ALERT!!!!!

2008-07-07T18:23:00.001-07:00

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.

I love to see you smile.

Fw: For women

2008-06-30T11:05:00.001-07:00

THIS IS GOOD .................

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'NO'
to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'NO' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

FW: Robin Williams

2008-06-26T16:03:00.001-07:00

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Robin Williams
      Got to love this Guy:
The Plan!
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York " in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat
this message.
Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan
for peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past and present.   You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we
will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines   They don't
want us there, anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one
allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave.   We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where
they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here.
Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing
nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of
oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go
somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells
filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen
or given to the army.
The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would
make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one
can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is
ENGLISH...learn it or LEAVE...
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a
baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
If you agree with the above forward it to friends...
If not, DELETE it!!
________________________________
See what's free at AOL.com
<http://www.aol.com/?ncid=AOLAOF00020000000503>

Don’t miss your chance to WIN $10,000 and other great prizes from Microsoft Office Live

FW: How To Install A Home Security System

2008-06-11T11:10:00.001-07:00

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. GO TO A GOODWILL STORE AND BUY A PAIR OF MEN'S WORK BOOTS SIZE 14-16 (WELL USED).
2. PLACE THEM ON FRONT PORCH, ALONG WITH A COPY OF GUNS AND AMMO MAGAZINE.
3. PUT A FEW GIANT DOG DISHES NEXT TO THE BOOTS AND MAGAZINE.
4. LEAVE A NOTE ON YOUR DOOR THAT READS:

HEY BUBBA,

BIG JIM, DUKE, SLIM, AND I GONE FOR MORE AMMUNITION. WILL BE BACK IN ONE HOUR. DON'T MESS WITH THE PIT BULLS - THEY ATTACKED THE MAILMAN THIS MORNING AND MESSED HIM UP REAL BAD. I DON'T THINK KILLER TOOK PART IN IT, BUT IT WAS HARD TO TELL FROM ALL THE BLOOD. ANYWAY, I LOCKED ALL OF THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE. BETTER JUST WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL WE CAN GET BACK.

COOTER

E-mail for the greater good. Join the i’m Initiative from Microsoft.

thoughts from Jay Leno

2008-06-11T11:06:00.001-07:00

Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush... Wow!

No matter what your political convictions are this is an eye opener.

?What a thankless people we are!!!

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.

'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source,right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?''

A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present

identification papers as we move through each state?

F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.

H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use

top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.

K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a

bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of

teenagers own cell phones and computers.

M.. How about the complete religious, social and politicalfreedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U. S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating?

Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?

The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession?

Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?

Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take A look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...... are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no

draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner?

The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.

They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried

to allow a murderer like O. J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way...... Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.

Then start being grateful for all we have as country.

There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the mostblessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Jay Leno

Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people who need to

read this and grasp the truth of it all.

Fwd: natural highs

2008-04-24T20:16:00.001-07:00

Natural Highs

Please make sure you forward this back to me . You'll see why at the end. Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one. It Does Make You Feel Good, especially the thought at the end of #44.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter..
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply..
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.
Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth .

Need a new ride? Check out the largest site for U.S. used car listings at AOL Autos.
=
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FW: Older lady Speeding

2008-04-23T21:42:00.001-07:00

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.

I just did!

Horoscope

2008-04-06T09:25:00.001-07:00

-----

Criss Angel showed how this worked on one of his shows, but it was still kind of surprising when I checked out several people I knew. Not superstitious, but I need all the luck I can get.
Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs. Read your sign, and then forward this with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line. This is the real deal; try ignoring or changing it, and the first thing you'll notice is you're having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.
Remember, if you are on the cusp of another sign, you most likely will have features of both signs...which may lead you into total confusion......
CAPRICORN- The Go-Getter (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Patient and wise. Practical
And rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimistic. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendly at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want. 20 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality. 11 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful.
Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful. 8 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
ARIES - The Daredevil (Mar 21 - April 19) Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (Easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp witted. Outgoing. Loses interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
TAURUS- The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive.
Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted.
Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous. 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
GEMINI - The Chatterbox (May 21 - June 20) Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Like change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent. Beautiful physically and mentally. 5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
CANCER - The Protector (June 21 - July 22) Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic. 16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LEO - The Boss (July 23 - Aug 22) Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. Doing the
Right thing is important to Leos. Attractive. 13 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) Dominant In relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible. 9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SCORPIO - The Intense One (Oct 23 - Nov 21) Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking. Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and emotional. 4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
SAGITTARIUS - The Happy-Go-Lucky One (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Good-natured optimist. Peter Pan syndrome (doesn't want to grow up). Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out. 14 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
Send away!!~ Ready .. set............ GO!
1-3 people= 1 minute of luck
4-7 people= 1 hour of luck
8-12 people = 1 day of luckjo
13-17 people = 1 week of luck
18-22 people = 1 month of luck
23-27 people = 3 Months of luck
28-32 people = 7 months of luck
33-37 people = 1 year of luck

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Hey IDIOT

2008-03-27T23:33:00.001-07:00

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right stinking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an idiot!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'idiot' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an idiot!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black Lexus cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Lexus idiot, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black Lexus for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It's a two-story brick home, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an idiot!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to cal l. Then I came up with an idea. I called idiot #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Idiot, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, a two-story brick home, I have a black Lexus parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared" and hung up. Then I called idiot #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, idiot." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your butt." I answered, "Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

[Fwd: Fw: Never Argue With a Woman]

2008-03-14T19:50:00.001-07:00

"Never Argue With A Woman" One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.�� What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to females who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent. Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain. ________________________________ <?

FW: A letter we all wish we'd written

2008-02-13T23:32:00.001-08:00

....an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter....

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the 'curse'? I'm guess ing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'
Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -- actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always....

Here's to Booze

2008-02-07T21:58:00.001-08:00

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.' In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I'm doing it as a public service

The hired hand

2008-02-07T21:53:00.001-08:00

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again,you're fired!'

Fwd:

2008-01-28T21:57:00.001-08:00

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies .

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually .

Then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

Then buy a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was going to say....then marry a man!

Fw: Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of sanity

2008-01-28T21:23:00.001-08:00

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Sanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling

'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.. ....

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ........ therapy

_____________________________________________________________
Linux Training - Click here.

Fw: older bride

2008-01-23T10:21:00.001-08:00

An Interview With An 80-year-old Bride

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Old age is a gift

2008-01-23T10:12:00.001-08:00

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who look s like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set .
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.   How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!
FRIENDS FOREVER!

Health question & answer session

2007-12-16T13:53:00.001-08:00

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
_____
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. _____
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

_____
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
_____
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
_____
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... ! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
_____
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
_____
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A:

Amazingly simple home remedies

2007-12-11T12:21:00.001-08:00

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a

cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will

instantly remove itself.

   2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold while you chop.

   3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the

toilet seat by using the shower.

   4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut

yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.    Remember to use a timer.

   5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm

clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

after you hit the snooze button.

   6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of

laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

   7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and

Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it

shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

   8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get

to know them.

   Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

For the servicemen

2007-12-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest acts of patriotism I have ever seen.
Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began heading to their gate, everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering.
When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families.
Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal.
Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women, a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi."
The little girl then asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her.
The young soldier, who didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek.
The mother of the little girl, w! ho said her daughter's name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter Courtney missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up.
When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military-looking walkie-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it.
After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon."
The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event.
As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, the! re were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek.
We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.
RED FRIDAYS ----- Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority". We a re no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers.
We are not organized, boisterous or over-bearing. We get no liberal media coverage on TV, to reflect our message or our opinions. Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops.
Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that.. Every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar will wear something red.
By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers.
If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, co-workers, friends, and family. It will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever; certainly more than the media lets on.
The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is...We need your support and your prayers.
Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example; and wear something red every Friday.
IF YOU AGREE -- THEN SEND THIS ON.
IF YOU COULD CARE LESS THEN HIT THE DELETE BUTTON --- IT IS YOUR CHOICE.
WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.
THEIR BLOOD RUNS RED---- SO WEAR RED! --- MAY GOD HELPAMERICA TO BECOME ONE NATION, UNDER GOD.
HAVE A GREAT DAY

Sisters

2007-12-11T12:12:00.000-08:00

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,

           Drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.

As They talked about life, about marriage, about the

   Responsibilities of life and the obligations of

               Adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her Glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance

    Upon her daughter.

'Don't forget your Sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll      Be more important as you get older. No matter how    Much you love your husband, no matter how much you   love the children you may have, you are still going    To need sisters. Remember to go places with them now And then; do things with them.'

     'Remember that 'Sisters' means ALL the women...

    Your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other

         Women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women    Always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman    thought. Haven't I just gotten married?

Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a

Married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely    My husband and the family we may start will be all I   Need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her Mother. She kept contact                With her Sisters and made more women friends each

Year. As the years tumbled by, one after another,

She gradually came to understand that her Mom really

Knew what she was talking about. As time and nature

Work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman,

    Sisters are the mainstays of her life.      After more than 50 years of living in this world,

                            Here is what I've learned:

                                 THIS SAYS IT ALL:

                                   Time passes.

                                   Life happens.

                                Distance separates.

                                 Children grow up.

                                 Jobs come and go.

                               Love waxes and wanes.

                     Men don't do what they're supposed to do.

                                   Hearts break.

                                   Parents die.

                             Colleagues forget favors.

                                   Careers end.

                                   BUT.........

                Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how Many miles are   Between you. A girl friend is never farther away   Than needing her can reach.

                When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you    Have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life

Will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on,

Praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on

Your behalf, and waiting with open arms at Valley's' end.

                Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk Beside you...Or come in and carry you out.

                      Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters,

                Daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers,

               Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended    Family, all bless our life!

                 The world wouldn't be the same without women, and Neither would I. When we began this adventure called

Womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or

       Sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we

       Would need each other.

          every day, we need each other still. Pass this on

               To all the women who help make your life meaningful.

                         I just did. Short and very sweet:

                 There are more than twenty angels in this world.

                  Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds. Nine are

                   Playing. And one is reading her email at this

                                      Moment.

You keep typing, we keep giving. Download Messenger and join the i’m Initiative now. Join in!

A week at the gym

2007-11-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to hart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. that anemic anorexic little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
the treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Riddles

2007-11-30T22:13:00.001-08:00

Can you answer this riddle?

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.

Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

Amazingly simple home remedies

2007-11-30T22:01:00.001-08:00

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

   2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

   3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

   4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.    Remember to use a timer.

   5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

after you hit the snooze button.

   6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

   7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it

shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

   8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

   Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Men's answers to Maxine

2007-03-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

Men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it -
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. --------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't There i s a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men f**t (pass gas) more than women? Because women ca n't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. -------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -
------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a wo man's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to. -------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. -------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !

The newest diet

2007-03-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

a new diet--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog ???? Hello......

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I had been poisoned by the food and if that is why I ended up in the hospital. I told her no -- that I was sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the checkout guy was going to die on the spot. __________________

Thanks for the forwards

2006-09-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

This should give you a few chuckles....it did me.

I have received so many life-saving emails, and I mustsend my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have touse a wet towel with every envelope that needssealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me forparticipating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214angels looking out for me.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only getanswered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat while I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the peoplewho make these products are atheists who refuse to put
Under God on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow upin my face... disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected withAIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone willdrug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will askme to dial a number for which I will get a phone billwith calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, andUzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcusbecause I already have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but minebecause a big brown African spider is lurking underthe seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And, thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up$5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably
was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneathmy car to grab my leg.Oh, and don't forget this one, either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove withdiarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infestyour back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I knowthis will occur because it actually happened to afriend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-lawssecond husband's cousin's beautician...

Cheers and now try to relax,

Your age in chocolate

2006-04-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

2006-04-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

A COMICAL LOOK AT AGING
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm hal f blin d, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation ... hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it .. but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old ...
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 ... oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

medical funnies

2006-04-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

A man comes into the ER and yells,"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
**********At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope onan elderly and slightly deaf female patient'santerior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
**********One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I tolda wife that her husband had died of a massivemyocardial infarct. Not more than five minuteslater, I heard her reporting to the rest of the familythat he had died of a "massive internal fart"--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
**********I was performing a complete physical,including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart andbegan, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."Again, a flawless read. Now both,"I requested. There was silence. Hecouldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly whatI had asked; he was standing there with both hiseyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
**********During a patient's two week follow-up appointment withhis cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked.The patch. The nurse told me to put on anew one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal ofthe old patch before applying a new one.--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
**********While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
**********I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, M
I **********And Finally (always leave the best for last). . . .A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work andsheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."--won't admit his name

how to get rid of telemarketers

2006-04-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14 Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

math

2006-04-04T22:48:00.000-07:00

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

religious funnies

2006-04-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

ENJOY!..A little boy was attending his first wedding.After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said."All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
+++++++++++++++++
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?""Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and Ifigure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
+++++++++++++++++
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
+++++++++++++++++
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked."Why, God tells me.""Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?
"+++++++++++++++++
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
+++++++++++++++++
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Ms.Terri A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four peopleon an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, andBaby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?""Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you sayprayers before eating?""No sir," little Johnny replies,I don't have to. My mom is a good cook
."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++This is the best one.A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtimestory.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up totouch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, thenhis again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she said "God's getting better at it,isn't he?"

The English Language can be strange

2006-03-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

The English Language No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. It's a wonder we manage to communicate at all!
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
Because he could not have ice cream for dessert, the soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
Page the page and have him read this page.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

the old poodle

2006-03-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet,and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer old people laughing in the world.

some different games to do

2006-03-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.blogthings.com/fortunecookiegenerator/
http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/keystoyourheartquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/howweirdareyouquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/whattypeofweatherareyouquiz/

HI

2006-02-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

God Saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendys, and Dairy Queen.

He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, Coffee and Water.

GOD saw you in the dark & created Light. GOD saw you without a Good looking , adorable , FRIEND......... so He created M E

Smile

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth

2006-02-20T16:33:00.000-08:00

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

die on the same day, and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,there's only one space left that day,so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

God ever created,and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,
for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,shakes it up, and gargles.

Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a commode and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," ! says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,

a royal flush beats a pair -
no matter how big they are."

Kids proverbs

2006-02-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ..........................bug is close
It's always darkest before.................Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of...........termites
You can lead a horse to water but..........how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty
No news is.................................impossible
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.............math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning
Love all, trust............................me
The pen is mightier than the...............pigs
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's................pollution
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents
A penny saved is...........................not much
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what...........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and............you have to blow your nose
Children should be seen and not............spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries
You get out of something what you..........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind...........get out of the way
If you can't stand the heat...........get a pool.
Don't count your chickens...........eat them.
A watched pot never...........disappears.
Too many cooks...........so few meals.
Look before you...........run into a pole.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...........mess it up.
People in glass houses shouldn't...........run around naked.
None are so blind as...........Helen Keller.
There is no fool like...........Aunt Eddie.
Better late than...................................pregnant

from the passengers seat

2006-02-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

Blogger police

2006-02-12T23:04:00.000-08:00

Harvard Reading test

2006-02-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

HARVARD READING TEST for Randy DurrThis was developed as an age test by an R&D department at HarvardUniversity. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloudwithout a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it
!1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

I am a BITCH

2006-02-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

To my fellow female heroes . . .

BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a bitch. Being a bitch
means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So ! try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch , so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
--------------------------
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

The way it use to be

2006-02-06T00:25:00.000-08:00

Another Goody For The OldtimersMy Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem toget food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now..
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat andeverything.I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I gotthat bee sting? I could have been killed!We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom knowthat she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T- SORRY FORWHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING

Seattle Seahawks story

2006-02-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died.
Whenhe got to heaven,God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity,Peyton." said God."This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3 story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Seahawks flag, and in every window a blue Towel.
Peyton looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying tobe ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was an all-pro quarterback, Ihold many NFLrecords, and i even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said, "So what's your point Peyton?"
"Well, why does Matt Hasselbeck get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said, "Peyton, that's not Matt's house, it's mine."

Chocolate Rules

2006-01-28T13:54:00.001-08:00

1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4)Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less
. 5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
8 ) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

2006-01-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

more tricks for the eyes

2006-01-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

2006-01-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

tricks for the eyes

2006-01-25T23:29:00.000-08:00

friends

2006-01-25T23:23:00.000-08:00

I received this from a "rediscovered" friend from high school and it's so true. Thank you all for being there for me, too. bcr

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart
to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're
going through things with your man.

Another friend is needed when you're
going through things with your mom.

Another when you want to shop,
share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say let's pray together, another
let's cry together, another let's fight together,
another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual
need, another your shoe fetish, another
your love for movies, another will be with
you in your season of confusion, another will be
your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from

making a complete fool of yourself ... those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7th grade, one from high school, several
from the college years, a couple from old jobs,
several from church, on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor, on others your sisters, and on
some days your daughters.

So whether they've been there 20 minutes or 20 years,

Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
to make a difference.

and if you believe this I have swamp land in Arizona for you

2006-01-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the phone literally rang as soon as I read
the last word of this email!!!!!
I am taking the bait -
what do I have to lose right?
Hope it works!

Supposedly The Phone Will Ring Right After You Do This.

Just read the little stories and
think of a wish as you scroll all
the way to the bottom. There is
a message there - then make your
wish.

No attachment on this one.

Stories

I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from
the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right
leg. It was 2:53 p .m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 pm. (14 minutes
later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the
verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new
job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he
was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this
really works!!!
My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single
and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many
years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email)
I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life.. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office.He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He
started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked
me out a week later .. We married 6 months later and now have been
happily married for 2 years.
What a great email it was!!
Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
to come true).
However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!!

Go for it!!!

SCROLL DOWN!!!!

STOP!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.

Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!!

If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you
already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting
will happen.

Message: This is scary!

The phone will ring right after you do this!

how to get rid of Telemarketers

2006-01-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14 Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Maxine Cartoon

2006-01-19T20:11:00.000-08:00

Maxine cartoons

2006-01-19T20:02:00.000-08:00

words from Maya Angelou

2006-01-15T23:28:00.000-08:00

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.And, there on television, she said it was "exciting."
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried.
She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
" I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

MAXINE'S SAYS

2006-01-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

A lawyers story

2006-01-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. (scroll down)

"MY ROLEX!"

Natural Highs

2006-01-12T22:08:00.000-08:00

IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end #45.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road
.8.. Hearing your favorite song on the radio
.9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath
.13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers
.21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
.22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends
.25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep
.27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner)
.28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizingthat some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the ___expression on someones faceas they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing,no matter what other people think.

George Carlins rules for 2006

2006-01-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

George Carlin's Great New Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky studs.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place

a silly prayers

2005-12-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

N ow I lay me Down to sleep
I pray the Lord My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles Please no bags
And please lift my butt Before it sags.

Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy

Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord

For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

2005-11-29T13:22:00.000-08:00

do you remember these

2005-11-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

Fender Skirts?
what the heck is a fender skirt?
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS". A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went>that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of
>these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?"At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with"emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed".

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board"
up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing.
Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes In the '50s, everyone>covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite>company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
\ Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day>- "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore!
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age" would remember most of these.

******

and No I don't remember these just passing it on

to the survivors of the 30 to th 70's

2005-11-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE ................. 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were n't overweight becauseWE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on (or when dad whistled).No one was able to reach us all day.
And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chatrooms
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!You might want to share this with others who have h ad the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Love, Sex, Passion A poem

2005-11-23T21:21:00.000-08:00

Fwd: Love, Sex, Passion.... I though these were so cute!!
A Love Poem
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a Mom?

2005-11-18T14:27:00.000-08:00

Just a Mom?!!A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is,"explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?""Of course I have a job," snapped the woman. "I'm a Mom.""We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar.""What is your occupation?" she probed.What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out."I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations.The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire."Might I ask," said the clerk with interest,"just what you do in your field?"Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field,(normally I would have said indoors and out).I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."Motherhood! What a glorious career! Especially with a title on the door.Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?I think so!!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants.(that's me)Please send this to another Mom, Grandmother, Aunt, and friends!May your troubles be less, your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come into your Life forever!!!There is no such thing as failure. There's only Feedback

Friendship forward

2005-11-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART! MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Forward this to at least 7 people and see what happens on your screen . You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!! If you forward it to 7 people avideo comes on your screen. This works. I don't know how...but it works. Somehow, from the return path generated, you'll receive something, and IT IS FUNNY!!! This is the coolest thing I have ever gotten. All you have to do is send it to 7 people and watch your screen, it is the funniest clip. I can't tell you what is but I was laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair!!! So, send it to those 7 people and watch.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have never had the so-called video appear.. Have You?

Men are just happier People

2005-11-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive
to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Friday

2005-11-11T11:14:00.000-08:00

This is called the Redneck's Dogs

the hippo and the tortoise

2005-11-08T22:38:00.000-08:00

Good story and cute pictures.
A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said. The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him."It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP."After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added."The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

Blinkie links and other such stuff

2005-11-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

this is one of my names on different game boards

Here are a couple of blinkies I found and the people who design them and put them up for all to use. Thank you folks

more cute pics

2005-11-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

cute pics by a cute kid

2005-11-05T15:42:00.000-08:00

a pic for me from a niece
just a cute pic done my one of my nieces

2005-11-04T19:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who send me funny and touching forwards.

More funny dog pics

2005-11-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

Dogs in costumes

2005-11-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

I hope you dance

2005-10-28T22:38:00.000-07:00

'I Hope You Dance... 'This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend. *The last line says it all. *
Dear Bertha,I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.I wear my good blazer to the market.
My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank."Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it nowI'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.
Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them."People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there
."Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

The Bathtub

2005-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

5 tips for women

2005-10-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
.2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you
.5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

top 15 country song

2005-10-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

15 If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13 how Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12 I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11 I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10 I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9 I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7 If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5 She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4 You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3 Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2 She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1 I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

cat and dogs diaries

2005-10-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

funny hospital charts

2005-10-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

ACTUAL writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

some cute cartoons I've been sent

2005-10-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

Men's Rules

2005-10-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

We always hear "the rules"From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules!Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers
.1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
.1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.1. Crying is blackmail
.1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days
.1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
.1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

Quotes from Great Women

2005-10-25T22:48:00.000-07:00

GREAT LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong
-Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes (at 73)
-I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.-Janette Barber
-Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.-Erma Bombeck
-Old age ain't no place for sissies.-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.-Jennifer Unlimited
-Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.-Caryn Leschen
-I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.-Jennifer Unlimited
-If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.-Dolly Parton-

The Baptist Bra

2005-10-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the Women's
Department of Macy's in New York City. He Told the Sales lady, "I would
like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".With a quizzical look, the
saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," Said the saleslady, "we don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the
Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple.The Catholic type supports the masses,The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist Type for
They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
And, if you need more
information here's some more:Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H And how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you Have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code
:A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
.... God is like... SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there

Health question and answer session

2005-10-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it - don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering! vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:! No Pain...Good
Q: Aren 't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets

Maxine for president

2005-10-24T23:39:00.001-07:00

--MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008 Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have thebest solution:It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to ourproblems.PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment..
.. MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!! Very eloquently put............don't you think?
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have tokeep my hands free for making gestures.".....
..Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me anincentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible
."Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. Irecommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what Iwant, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebodyin the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This worksmuch better if the salt accompanies a margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"My thoughts exactly"~~~~
~Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will getsoaking wet
.The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinateand attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same sizebucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in aPorsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

Idaho Lady

FW: The Buttocks

Subject: The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,

this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man' s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!

Fw: Dog Story

Fw: Please send back. This is neat.

Fwd: FW: I am with Maxine!

Fw: Chocolate Sings

AIDS ALERT!!!!!

Fw: For women

FW: Robin Williams

FW: How To Install A Home Security System

thoughts from Jay Leno

Fwd: natural highs

FW: Older lady Speeding

Horoscope

Hey IDIOT

[Fwd: Fw: Never Argue With a Woman]

FW: A letter we all wish we'd written

Here's to Booze

The hired hand

Fwd:

Fw: Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of sanity

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Sanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14.. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling

'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.. ....

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ........ therapy

Fw: older bride

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Old age is a gift

Health question & answer session

Amazingly simple home remedies

For the servicemen

Sisters

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day,

Drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother.