Chocolate Rules

1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4)Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less
. 5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
8 ) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4)Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less
. 5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.
8 ) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

more tricks for the eyes

tricks for the eyes

friends

I received this from a "rediscovered" friend from high school and it's so true. Thank you all for being there for me, too. bcr


When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart
to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're
going through things with your man.

Another friend is needed when you're
going through things with your mom.

Another when you want to shop,
share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say let's pray together, another
let's cry together, another let's fight together,
another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual
need, another your shoe fetish, another
your love for movies, another will be with
you in your season of confusion, another will be
your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym
shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from

making a complete fool of yourself ... those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7th grade, one from high school, several
from the college years, a couple from old jobs,
several from church, on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor, on others your sisters, and on
some days your daughters.

So whether they've been there 20 minutes or 20 years,

Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
to make a difference.

and if you believe this I have swamp land in Arizona for you

Ok guys, this truly is freaky, the phone literally rang as soon as I read
the last word of this email!!!!!
I am taking the bait -
what do I have to lose right?
Hope it works!

Supposedly The Phone Will Ring Right After You Do This.





Just read the little stories and
think of a wish as you scroll all
the way to the bottom. There is
a message there - then make your
wish.








No attachment on this one.









Stories









I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from
the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right
leg. It was 2:53 p .m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 pm. (14 minutes
later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the
verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new
job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he
was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this
really works!!!
My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single
and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many
years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email)
I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life.. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office.He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He
started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked
me out a week later .. We married 6 months later and now have been
happily married for 2 years.
What a great email it was!!
Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
to come true).
However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!!

Go for it!!!





SCROLL DOWN!!!!

STOP!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.

Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!!

If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you
already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting
will happen.

Message: This is scary!

The phone will ring right after you do this!

how to get rid of Telemarketers

Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14 Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Maxine Cartoon

Maxine cartoons

words from Maya Angelou

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.And, there on television, she said it was "exciting."
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.
The audience laughed so hard they cried.
She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!
Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
"I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
" I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life."
"I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as "making a life."
"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back."
"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision."
"I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one."
"I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back."
"I've learned that I still have a lot to learn."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

MAXINE'S SAYS

A lawyers story

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. (scroll down)










"MY ROLEX!"

Natural Highs

IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end #45.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road
.8.. Hearing your favorite song on the radio
.9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath
.13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers
.21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
.22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends
.25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep
.27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner)
.28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizingthat some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the ___expression on someones faceas they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing,no matter what other people think.

George Carlins rules for 2006

George Carlin's Great New Rules for 2006


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky studs.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place