Monday, June 30, 2008

Fw: For women

 

THIS IS GOOD .................

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

 

Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

 

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

 

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'NO'
to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

 

Then if I said 'NO' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.


Signed,

All Us Women

Thursday, June 26, 2008

FW: Robin Williams

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: Robin Williams
      Got to love this Guy:
The Plan!
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York " in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts!  Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect
plan.  What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat
this message.
Robin Williams' plan...
(Hard to argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan
for peace.  So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their
affairs, past and present.   You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo,
Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we
will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines   They don't
want us there, anyway.  We would station troops at our borders. No one
allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
leave.   We'll give them a free trip home.  After 90 days the remainder
will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where
they are.  They're illegal!!!  France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days
unless given a special permit!!!!  No one from a terrorist nation will be
allowed in.  If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide
here.
Asylum would never be available to anyone.
We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21.  The older ones are the bombers. If
they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise.  This will include developing
nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of
oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
The caribou will have to cope for a while .
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for
their oil.  If they don't like it, we go someplace else.  They can go
somewhere else to sell their production.  (About a week of the wells
filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will
not "interfere."  They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain,
cement or whatever they need.  Besides most of what we give them is stolen
or given to the army.
The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace.  We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would
make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school.  That way, no one
can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.  The Language we speak is
ENGLISH...learn it or LEAVE...
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."  She's got a
baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
If you agree with the above forward it to friends...
If not, DELETE it!!
_____________________________
___
See what's free at AOL.com
<http://www.aol.com/?ncid=AOLAOF00020000000503>


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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

FW: How To Install A Home Security System

 

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1.  GO TO A GOODWILL STORE AND BUY A PAIR OF MEN'S WORK BOOTS SIZE 14-16 (WELL USED).
2. PLACE THEM ON FRONT PORCH, ALONG WITH A COPY OF GUNS AND AMMO   MAGAZINE.
3. PUT A FEW GIANT DOG DISHES NEXT TO THE BOOTS AND MAGAZINE.
4. LEAVE A NOTE ON YOUR DOOR THAT READS:

HEY BUBBA,

BIG JIM, DUKE, SLIM, AND I GONE FOR MORE AMMUNITION.  WILL BE BACK IN ONE HOUR.  DON'T MESS WITH THE PIT BULLS - THEY ATTACKED THE MAILMAN THIS MORNING AND MESSED HIM UP REAL BAD.  I DON'T THINK KILLER TOOK PART IN IT, BUT IT WAS HARD TO TELL FROM ALL THE BLOOD.  ANYWAY, I LOCKED ALL OF THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE.  BETTER JUST WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL WE CAN GET BACK.

COOTER


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thoughts from Jay Leno

Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush... Wow!

No matter what your political convictions are this is an eye opener.

?What a thankless people we are!!!

Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark.

'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source,right?

The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?''

A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?

C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?

D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?

E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present

identification papers as we move through each state?

F. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?

G. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either.

H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.

I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use

top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings.

K. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a

bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.

L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90% of

teenagers own cell phones and computers.

M.. How about the complete religious, social and politicalfreedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy.

Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U. S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and  has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating?

Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?

The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession?

Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book  for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?

Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take A look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?

Think about it...... are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no

draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner?

The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations.

They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried

to allow a murderer like O. J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way...... Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the  bottom of your bird cage.

Then start being grateful for all we have as country.

There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the mostblessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at  least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of  the Pledge of Allegiance?'

Jay Leno

Please keep this in circulation. There are so many people who need to

read this and grasp the truth of it all.