Your age in chocolate

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 ....
If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

A COMICAL LOOK AT AGING
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm hal f blin d, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation ... hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it .. but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old ...
You grow old because you stop laughing.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 ... oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

medical funnies

A man comes into the ER and yells,"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
**********At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope onan elderly and slightly deaf female patient'santerior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
**********One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I tolda wife that her husband had died of a massivemyocardial infarct. Not more than five minuteslater, I heard her reporting to the rest of the familythat he had died of a "massive internal fart"--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
**********I was performing a complete physical,including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart andbegan, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."Again, a flawless read. Now both,"I requested. There was silence. Hecouldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly whatI had asked; he was standing there with both hiseyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
**********During a patient's two week follow-up appointment withhis cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked.The patch. The nurse told me to put on anew one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal ofthe old patch before applying a new one.--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
**********While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
**********I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, M
I **********And Finally (always leave the best for last). . . .A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work andsheepishly said, "I'm sorry, was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."--won't admit his name

how to get rid of telemarketers

Get Rid of Telemarketers For Good
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14 Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you, but I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

math

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 101%? What equals 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

AND, look how far the love of God will take you

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

religious funnies

ENJOY!..A little boy was attending his first wedding.After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said."All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
+++++++++++++++++
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?""Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and Ifigure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
+++++++++++++++++
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
+++++++++++++++++
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon."How do you know what to say?" he asked."Why, God tells me.""Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?
"+++++++++++++++++
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
+++++++++++++++++
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Ms.Terri A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four peopleon an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent."The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, andBaby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?""Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you sayprayers before eating?""No sir," little Johnny replies,I don't have to. My mom is a good cook
."+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++This is the best one.A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtimestory.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up totouch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, thenhis again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she said "God's getting better at it,isn't he?"