I hope you dance

'I Hope You Dance... 'This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend. *The last line says it all. *
Dear Bertha,I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.I wear my good blazer to the market.
My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank."Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it nowI'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.
Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them."People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there
."Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

The Bathtub

The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?

5 tips for women

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job
.2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you
.5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

top 15 country song

15 If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13 how Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12 I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11 I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10 I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9 I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7 If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5 She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4 You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3 Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2 She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1 I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

cat and dogs diaries

As seen in a dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

funny hospital charts

ACTUAL writings from hospital charts:



1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she
got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

some cute cartoons I've been sent

Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules"From the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.These are our rules!Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers
.1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
.1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.1. Crying is blackmail
.1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one:Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days
.1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
.1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

Quotes from Great Women

GREAT LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong
-Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.-Helen Hayes (at 73)
-I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.-Janette Barber
-Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.-Erma Bombeck
-Old age ain't no place for sissies.-Bette Davis-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.-Jennifer Unlimited
-Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.-Caryn Leschen
-I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.-Jennifer Unlimited
-If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.-Dolly Parton-

The Baptist Bra

A man walked into the Women's
Department of Macy's in New York City. He Told the Sales lady, "I would
like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".With a quizzical look, the
saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," Said the saleslady, "we don't get as many
requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the
Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple.The Catholic type supports the masses,The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist Type for
They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
And, if you need more
information here's some more:Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H And how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you Have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code
:A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and I can't get up.
.... God is like... SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there

Health question and answer session

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it - don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering! vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:! No Pain...Good
Q: Aren 't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated by it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets

Maxine for president

--MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008 Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have thebest solution:It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to ourproblems.PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment..
.. MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!! Very eloquently put............don't you think?
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have tokeep my hands free for making gestures.".....
..Maxine on "Life" "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"
Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me anincentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible
."Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. Irecommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what Iwant, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby,like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebodyin the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This worksmuch better if the salt accompanies a margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"My thoughts exactly"~~~~
~Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will getsoaking wet
.The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinateand attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same sizebucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in aPorsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.