Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hey IDIOT

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right stinking number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an idiot!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'idiot' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an idiot!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'idiot' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an idiot!" and hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black Lexus cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first idiot (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Lexus idiot, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black Lexus for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It's a two-story brick home, and the car's parked right out in front." I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen." I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five." I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?" I said, "Don, you're an idiot!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two idiots to cal l. Then I came up with an idea. I called idiot #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an idiot!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He screamed, "Stop calling me." I said, "Make me." He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Idiot, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, a two-story brick home, I have a black Lexus parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared" and hung up. Then I called idiot #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, idiot." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your butt." I answered, "Well, idiot, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two idiots beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!

Friday, March 14, 2008

[Fwd: Fw: Never Argue With a Woman]

 

"Never Argue With A Woman" One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent. Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.���� What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to females who are thinkers. If you receive this, you know you're intelligent. Life isn't about how to survive the storm but how to dance in the rain. ________________________________ <?