TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't...
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine..
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17... Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18... Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance..

22... Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

---

FW: The Buttocks

 

Subject: The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the

man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the

husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,

this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

completed, everyone was astounded at the man' s new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful

beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

kiss you on the cheek.'

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will!

Fw: Dog Story

 

This is an old one but a good one.

Dog Story

Yesterday I was at WalMart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds. Before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
WalMart won't let me shop there anymore.

Fw: Please send back. This is neat.

 

 

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be.  Oh, not my body!  I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt.  And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who look s like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly.  As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. 

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.  I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. 

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set .
They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.  But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I  eventually remember the important things. 
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken.   How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car?  But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion.  A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.  So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.   
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think.  I don't question myself anymore.  I've even earned the right to be wrong.  
So, to answer your question, I  like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become.  I am not going to live forever, but whil

Fwd: FW: I am with Maxine!

 

*Martha's Way*
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
*Maxine's Way*
Just  suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for  Pete's sake!You  are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it,  anyway!
_____
*Martha's Way*
To  keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
*Maxine's Way*
Buy  Hungry Jack mashed potato mix.   Keep's in the pantry for up  to a
year.
_____
*Martha's Way*
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix
instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of  the cake.
*Maxine's Way*
Go  to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for  you.
_____
*Martha's Way*
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'
*Maxine's Way*
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite  with me  the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'
_____
*Martha's Way*
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
*Maxine's Way*
Celery?  Never heard of it!
_____
*Martha's Way*
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
*Maxine's Way*
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
_____
*Martha's Way*
Cure for  headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.  The throbbing will go away.
*Maxine's Way*
Take a lime,  mix it with tequila, chill and drink!  'All'  your  pains go  away.
_____
*Martha's Way*
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
*Maxine's Way*
Go ask  that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
_____
*Martha's Way*
Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use in  casseroles and sauces.
*Maxine's Way*
Leftover wine???????????
HELLO  !!!!!!!
_____
As  usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends
within the next  5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew
and your butt will fall off.   Really.... it's true! Have I  ever lied to
you?

Fw: Chocolate Sings

 

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---all in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast.

"Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.

We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time.

But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.

I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down.

The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae.

I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait.

I smiled. She asked if she amused me.

I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me.

How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that is Possible.

I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.

But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.

This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored.

I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.

There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes.

I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.  
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.

I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace

I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.

I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.

I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain.

I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.

So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner,

then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner,

because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire.

I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind, " I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"  
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If  you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.  
SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS including me if I'm lucky enough to be counted among them.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks,                  CHOCOLATE SINGS! 

AIDS ALERT!!!!!

 

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
 
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.

I love to see you smile.

Fw: For women

 

THIS IS GOOD .................

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

 

Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

 

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

 

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'NO'
to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

 

Then if I said 'NO' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women